I really thought I found myself some new friends that had similar interests to me. People that I could actually relate to and talk to since I actually have something to say because of the interests we share.
But I’m starting to feel as if I don’t fit in because I have this paranoid feeling that they don’t like me… like at all. Maybe the one person that I first became friends with in the group might like me still but even so I’m not too sure. One of the other people in the group (mainly today she kept doing it) keeps on saying ”fuck off” to me, and I’m not sure if she’s joking but if she is it’s still making me rather disliked and uncomfortable since if someone to say something like… well I dunno a comment about how I look like “Heh you have your hair covering up your eye” or something similar to that I would take real offense to that statement because of how hypersensitive I am to things.
One thing that really got me today is that one of them said “Ugh finally she’s gone” went I began to walk away. From that I’m certain they don’t like me. I don’t even speak much when I’m with them and when I do speak it’s normally towards the person that I first became friends with in the group, because I am just too fucking insecure and shy to try and attempt talking to the other people. I get intimidated by them because I feel like I might not be an interesting person or someone they would want to talk to. I mean if they were that uninterested in me, they could of just told me not to bother them again instead of snickering bullshit behind me. I would of preferred that, because that way it might of hurt less. Even though it will still hurt.
I feel like I’m just a piece of shit to them basically. For a lot of reasons. One they’re all pretty much taller and way skinnier than I am which also makes me a bit uncomfortable since I don’t know what their reactions to “bigger” people are yet, and normally I get bullied a whole ton for how I look and how I act… which brings on to another thing, my personality. Not many people like my personality I don’t think… or they way I speak. I find myself quiet and I rather keep myself to myself, and whenever someone asks me something I always try to be as nice as possible to them, even if I don’t like them very much (Unless it’s a question I know they’re trying to make fun out of me of. Then I don’t speak and just continue with whatever I’m doing) but I always get looked at weird afterwards… I don’t even know why I try to be as pleasant as possible anymore really.
I always feel like I’m being constantly judged by everyone. Whenever I do something like getting up from my seat to grab some paper or something I just get this feeling they’re watching me and whispering pure bullshit to their friends about me, and some of them don’t even know me. And it really makes me feel even worse about myself. No matter what I do to keep myself positive about myself someone is always there to tell me I’m wrong about myself and show me what I am. Which is just a useless piece of shit.
There must be something really wrong with me. With it being my personality, my looks, my weight, my voice… or all of it. I know I’m not like most people, in fact I’m a bit stupid to be honest. I’m not funny, I’m not creative, and I have no talents at all. And being partly anti-social doesn’t help matters too much. That’s why I don’t have many friends. I lost some for even sticking up for myself to that bully that one time. I should of committed a long time ago really, save these poor people from having to even know me. But I guess there’s not much I can do. If they don’t like me they don’t like me. The friends I’ve got are kind enough, but none of them are really close friends since I don’t know how to make a friendship stronger than it is. I don’t mind being lonely every now and then but sometimes I just want someone that I can hang with instead of looking even more of an idiot than I am.